When one spouse is ready to leave and the other wants to fight for the marriage, it can feel impossible to move forward. We help couples navigate this painful uncertainty and find clarity about their path forward.

---

Couples Therapy for When You’re Not Sure What You Want

Many couples arrive at therapy with what therapists call “mixed agendas” – one spouse is leaning toward divorce while the other wants to stay married. If this describes your situation, you’re not alone. Ambivalence about whether to continue a marriage is one of the most common reasons couples seek counseling.

At Therapy Group of DC, we specialize in helping couples work through this uncertainty. Whether you ultimately decide to recommit to the marriage, pursue divorce, or simply need more time to understand your feelings, our therapists can help you both gain clarity and confidence in your decision about the future direction of your relationship.

Mixed agendas — When one spouse is “leaning out” of the marriage while the other is “leaning in,” couples often feel stuck. Counseling can help you find a path forward, whatever that looks like.

---

What Is Discernment Counseling?

You may have come across the term “discernment counseling” or “discernment therapy” in your search for help with your marriage. It’s worth understanding what this term means and how it relates to what we offer.

The Formal Discernment Counseling Protocol

Discernment Counseling (capital D, capital C) is a specific short-term protocol developed by Dr. Bill Doherty at the University of Minnesota’s department of family social science. The discernment counseling process is designed as a brief intervention—typically one to five sessions—specifically for couples where one spouse is leaning toward divorce and the other wants to save the marriage.

The formal discernment counseling protocol involves a structured process of individual conversations with each partner. A discernment counselor using this approach remains neutral and does not advocate for or against the marriage. The focus is on helping couples choose one of three paths: divorce, maintaining the status quo, or committing to six months of marriage counseling to work on their marital problems.

At the conclusion of formal discernment counseling sessions, couples typically have greater clarity about whether to end the marriage, stay together without changes, or invest in traditional couples therapy to address their marital issues.

The Reality of Discernment Counseling in Private Practice

While the formal Doherty protocol exists, most marriage and family therapy practitioners in private practice don’t follow this specific structure. What they do offer—and what we offer at Therapy Group of DC—is extensive experience helping couples navigate ambivalence, mixed agendas, and the painful question of whether to stay or go.

This work is woven into couples counseling itself. Helping spouses discern what they want, understand their own contributions to the relationship’s problems, and make clear-eyed decisions about the future is core to what skilled couples therapists do. Discernment counseling helps couples gain deeper understanding of their situation, whether or not it follows the formal protocol.

---

Is This Situation Right for Couples Counseling?

Not every couple in crisis needs to decide immediately whether to divorce or commit to intensive marriage counseling. Sometimes what’s needed first is space to explore.

Couples counseling may help if:

• One spouse is leaning toward leaving while the other wants to work on the marriage
• Both partners feel uncertain about the future of the relationship
• You’ve been stuck in the same marital problems for years and don’t know if change is possible
• You want to understand what went wrong before making a final decision about divorce
• There are children involved and you want to make a thoughtful decision
• You’re not ready to commit to “saving the marriage” but also not ready to divorce
• You need help understanding each person’s contributions to the current situation

Couples counseling may not be the right fit if:

• Domestic violence is present in the relationship
• One spouse has already made a firm decision to divorce and isn’t open to exploration
• Active addiction is untreated and destabilizing the marriage
• One partner is participating only to say they “tried” rather than genuinely explore possible solutions

If you’re unsure whether your situation fits, we’re happy to discuss it in an initial consultation. Our goal is to help you find the right path forward, whether that’s counseling with us or a referral to another resource.

---

How We Help Couples Navigate Uncertainty

Our approach to working with couples facing this crossroads focuses on creating space for honest exploration—without pressure to reach a particular outcome. The therapy process is designed to help both spouses gain clarity about what they want.

Creating Safety for Honesty

When partners have different agendas, it’s often because important things have gone unsaid for a long time. Our therapists create an environment where both spouses can express what they’re actually feeling—including doubts, resentments, and fears about the marriage—without the conversation immediately escalating. This is essential for any productive discernment counseling process.

Understanding What Went Wrong

Before deciding whether a marriage can be repaired, it helps to understand what happened. This isn’t about assigning blame, but about both partners gaining deeper understanding of the patterns, choices, and dynamics that brought you to this point. Many people find that understanding their individual contributions to the marital problems is valuable regardless of whether they stay or leave. This self-reflection often benefits future relationships as well.

Exploring Whether Reconnection Is Possible

For some couples, the distance between them has grown so vast that they’ve forgotten what connection felt like. Part of the work may involve exploring whether emotional reconnection is still possible—or whether too much damage has been done. This exploration helps spouses understand whether they have the willingness and commitment to rebuild.

Helping You Make a Clear-Eyed Decision

Our goal isn’t to save every marriage. It’s to help you make a decision you can stand behind—one made with clarity and confidence rather than reactivity or avoidance. Some couples who go through this process recommit to the relationship with renewed understanding. Others decide to separate, but do so with more peace and less conflict. Both are valid outcomes of the discernment counseling process.

---

What to Expect from Counseling

Initial Sessions

The first few counseling sessions focus on understanding your situation. We’ll explore what’s brought you to this point, what each spouse is feeling and wanting, and what you’re hoping to get from therapy. This isn’t about immediately “working on the marriage”—it’s about getting clear on where you both are.

Individual and Joint Conversations

Work with couples facing mixed agendas often involves some individual conversations with each partner, in addition to joint sessions. This allows each spouse to speak freely about their experience without worrying about the other partner’s reaction. These individual conversations are a key part of helping both people gain clarity.

Timeline

There’s no set number of sessions for this work. The formal discernment counseling protocol involves one to five sessions, but in our practice, the timeline varies based on the couple’s needs. Some couples gain the clarity they need relatively quickly. Others benefit from a longer therapy process of exploration. Additional sessions are always available if needed. There’s no “right” timeline for making such an important decision about your marriage.

Possible Outcomes

Couples who go through this process typically arrive at one of several places:

• Recommitment to the marriage: Both spouses decide to invest in the relationship and continue with traditional couples therapy focused on repair and growth—often committing to a period of intensive work on their marital issues
• Separation with clarity: One or both partners decide to end the marriage, but with greater understanding and less conflict throughout the divorce process
• Continued exploration: Some couples need more time before making a final decision, and that’s okay—maintaining the status quo while continuing to explore is a valid path
• Better co-parenting foundation: Even couples who divorce often find that this work helps them parent their children together more effectively and supports healthier future relationships

---

Our Couples Therapists

Our therapists who work with couples facing marriage uncertainty bring both clinical expertise and genuine compassion for how painful this situation can be. Each counselor on our team understands the delicate balance required when one spouse wants to stay and the other is considering leaving.

Xihlovo Mabunda, MS, LPC

Xihlovo is a Licensed Professional Counselor trained in EMDR, psychodynamic therapy, and sex therapy. She helps couples process the pain and disconnection that often precedes questions about whether to stay or go, and supports partners in gaining clarity about what they want from their relationship. Xihlovo creates a collaborative, supportive space for honest exploration. View Xihlovo’s full profile →

Dr. Jessica Hilbert, Psy.D

Dr. Hilbert is a licensed psychologist who uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) and relational therapy to help couples navigate ambivalence about their relationship. IFS can be particularly helpful when partners feel torn—allowing them to understand the different “parts” of themselves, including the part that wants to stay, the part that wants to leave, and the part that’s afraid of making the wrong choice. Dr. Hilbert works at whatever pace feels right as couples find their way to clarity. View Dr. Hilbert’s full profile →

Kevin Malley, MS, LPC, NCC

Kevin is a Licensed Professional Counselor who uses existential, relational, and person-centered approaches to help couples facing difficult decisions about their future. He helps partners process their emotions and better understand what they truly want—both individually and together. Kevin specializes in conflict, communication, and also works with couples in high-conflict situations as they decide whether to rebuild or move toward separation. View Kevin’s full profile →

Dr. Keith Clemson, Ph.D., LPC

Dr. Clemson is an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) trained couples therapist who specializes in helping couples navigate uncertainty about their relationship’s future. He uses attachment-based approaches to help partners understand the emotional patterns beneath their disconnection and clarify what they truly want. Dr. Clemson works with couples facing mixed agendas, communication breakdowns, and divorce/separation decisions. View Dr. Clemson’s full profile →

Dominique Harrington, MA.Ed., LPC, NCC

Dom is a Licensed Professional Counselor who uses relational and narrative therapy approaches to help couples explore whether their relationship can be rebuilt. She creates a warm, authentic space where partners can honestly examine what brought them to this crossroads. Dominique specializes in communication breakdowns, conflict, and helping couples navigate cultural and family dynamics as they make decisions about their future together. View Dominique’s full profile →

Dr. Kevin Isserman, Psy.D

Dr. Isserman is a licensed psychologist who uses psychodynamic and person-centered approaches to help couples facing uncertainty about their marriage. His open, warm, and collaborative style helps partners develop greater self-understanding—essential for making a clear-eyed decision about the future. Dr. Isserman supports couples through the full range of outcomes, whether that’s recommitting to the relationship or moving toward separation with greater clarity. View Dr. Isserman’s full profile →

---

Getting Started

If you and your spouse are struggling with whether to stay together or separate, we’re here to help you find clarity. Contact Therapy Group of DC to schedule an initial consultation.

We’ll match you with a couples therapist who has experience helping partners navigate this difficult terrain.

Take the first step toward clarity—reach out to us today.

---

Frequently Asked Questions About Discernment Counseling

What is discernment in counseling?

Discernment in counseling refers to the process of gaining clarity about whether to continue or end a marriage. While “Discernment Counseling” with capital letters refers to a specific protocol developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, the broader process of helping couples discern their path forward is a core part of marriage counseling and couples therapy. It involves honest exploration of what each spouse wants, understanding what’s gone wrong in the marriage, and making a clear-eyed final decision about the future direction of the relationship.

What are the three paths of discernment counseling?

In formal Discernment Counseling, couples are asked to consider three paths: (1) maintaining the status quo and making no changes to the marriage, (2) pursuing divorce, or (3) committing to a period of intensive marriage counseling—typically six months—to work on the marital problems. While we don’t follow the formal protocol, we help couples explore similar questions about their path forward, including whether they want to invest in repair, move toward separation, or take more time to decide.

How long does discernment counseling take?

The formal Doherty protocol is designed to be brief—typically one to five sessions. In our practice, the timeline for counseling varies based on the couple’s needs. Some couples gain the clarity and confidence they need within a few sessions. Others benefit from a longer therapy process of exploration. Additional sessions are available based on your situation. There’s no “right” timeline for making such an important decision about your marriage.

Is discernment counseling effective?

Research on the formal discernment counseling protocol shows that many couples find it helpful for gaining clarity and reducing ambivalence about their decision to divorce or stay married. More broadly, couples therapy and marriage counseling that addresses mixed agendas and relationship uncertainty can help spouses make more thoughtful decisions—whether that means recommitting to the marriage or separating with greater understanding and less conflict. Discernment counseling helps couples regardless of the outcome.

What questions are asked in discernment counseling?

Questions typically explore each spouse’s experience of the marriage, what they’ve tried already, what they see as the core marital problems, and what they want going forward. Individual conversations often explore questions like: What’s your understanding of what went wrong? What have you contributed to the problems? Is there anything that would change your mind about leaving (or staying)? What would you need to see to believe change is possible? These questions help partners understand their own and each other’s perspective.

Can discernment counseling save a marriage?

The goal of discernment counseling isn’t to save every marriage—it’s to help couples make a final decision they can stand behind. Some couples who go through this therapy process do recommit and successfully repair their relationship through traditional couples counseling. Others decide to pursue divorce but do so more peacefully. Both outcomes can be positive if the decision is made with clarity and confidence rather than reactivity or avoidance.

What if my spouse doesn’t want to come to counseling?

This is common when one partner is leaning toward divorce. Sometimes the spouse who wants to leave is willing to attend a few counseling sessions to explore the decision, even if they’re not committed to “working on the marriage.” If your spouse is completely unwilling to participate, individual therapy can still help you gain clarity about your own feelings and possible solutions. Understanding your own contributions to the marital issues can be valuable regardless.

Is discernment counseling right for us if there’s been infidelity?

Infidelity often creates exactly the kind of mixed-agenda situation where one spouse is leaning out and the other wants to repair the marriage. Couples counseling can help partners work through the aftermath of an affair—including deciding whether the relationship can be rebuilt. However, this therapy process requires honesty about what happened and willingness from both spouses to engage. Many couples find that even if divorce is the outcome, counseling helps them heal and prepares them for healthier future relationships.