New Parents: Is It Normal to Struggle in Your Marriage After Having a Baby?

You’re not alone if your relationship feels harder since your baby arrived. Many couples struggle in their marriage after having a baby—research shows that stress levels rise significantly for most new parents, and this stress often creates tension, more arguments, and less satisfaction in the relationship. Studies tracking couples during this period confirm that relationship quality commonly declines during the first year of parenthood, affecting both mothers and fathers as they adjust to their new roles.

What is stress in marriage?

Stress in marriage refers to the pressure that everyday challenges create in your relationship—from disagreements about parenting to feeling disconnected from your spouse. When you’re caring for a newborn, stress multiplies quickly.

You’re getting less sleep, following new routines, and managing more responsibilities than before. All while trying to maintain your connection as partners.

Research shows that parenting stress, mental health struggles, and relationship adjustment are closely interconnected. When one partner feels overwhelmed, it ripples through the entire relationship. You might notice:

Snapping at each other more often
Feeling less patient with small annoyances
Struggling to talk about anything beyond feeding schedules and diaper changes
Experiencing resentment about how responsibilities are divided

Dyadic stress—what family therapists call the phenomenon where one spouse’s stress directly affects the other—becomes especially pronounced with a new baby. Your partner’s exhaustion becomes your exhaustion. Their worry becomes your worry. But there’s also something deeper happening: you’re both grieving the relationship you had before while trying to build a new one. That loss is real, even when you love your baby.

In our practice, we often see couples who are shocked by how hard the first months feel. Parents expected joy and bonding, but instead they’re managing sleep deprivation and completely changed routines. The stress isn’t a sign something is wrong—it’s a normal response to a major life transition.

What is the hardest stage of marriage?

For many couples, the hardest stage of marriage is the transition to parenthood—especially during the first three to six months after a baby’s life begins. This period brings more change to your relationship than almost any other life event.

Studies following new parents found that both mothers and fathers experience heightened anxiety and stress during these early months. Mothers typically report higher stress levels due to physical recovery from childbirth and hormonal changes. But fathers also struggle significantly, especially when they feel uncertain about their role or are dealing with financial pressure.

The Identity Shift No One Warns You About

The difficulty isn’t just about the baby. You’re both becoming different people. The partner who was spontaneous and adventurous is now anxious about germs and schedules. The person who prided themselves on their career suddenly feels conflicted about work. You spent years building an identity as a couple—restaurants you loved, Friday nights with friends, lazy Sunday mornings—and that life is gone.

New parents often experience a mix of emotions—fatigue, fear, and self-doubt alongside feelings of joy and pride. But there’s often something people don’t talk about: ambivalence. You can love your baby fiercely and still feel trapped. You can be grateful to be a parent and still grieve your old life. These contradictions create internal stress that then shows up in your marriage.

Many professional couples expected to handle this transition better than they are. You’re used to being competent, solving problems, managing stress at work. But a newborn doesn’t respond to the skills that made you successful in your career. That loss of competence—the feeling that you don’t know what you’re doing—can be humbling and frustrating.

When Stress Peaks

Psychological distress often peaks around three to four months postpartum. By this point, the novelty has faded, family and friends may have returned to their own lives, and you’re managing day-to-day parenting largely on your own. This is when many couples notice the biggest dip in relationship satisfaction.

For professional couples, this is often when maternity leave ends and you’re facing the reality of balancing demanding careers with infant care. The logistics are overwhelming—daycare drop-offs, pumping schedules, sick days, the mental load of managing it all. Resentment builds quickly when one partner feels they’re carrying more of this invisible burden.

How Long Does This Last?

Here’s what most people don’t tell you: research on marital satisfaction shows that relationship quality doesn’t just bounce back after the first year. For many couples, satisfaction continues to decline through at least the first 12 months postpartum—and longer-term studies suggest it often takes several years before relationship satisfaction begins to recover.

This doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. It means that the transition to parenthood requires sustained effort, not just “getting through” the newborn stage. The couples who actively work on their relationship during this time—through therapy, intentional communication, and maintaining connection—tend to recover faster than those who wait for things to improve on their own.

How to cope in an unhappy marriage after having a baby

Focus on open communication, accepting help, and making small moments of connection a priority—even when you’re exhausted. Feeling unhappy doesn’t mean your marriage is failing. It means you’re in a difficult season that requires intentional effort to work through.

But first, let’s be honest about what “unhappy” might actually mean. Most people struggle to name their feelings beyond “stressed” or “tired.” In reality, you might be feeling:

Resentment that your partner isn’t doing enough (or doing things differently than you would)
Loneliness even though you’re never physically alone
Anger that surfaces in fights about small things (the dishes, the laundry, who gets to sleep)
Grief for the relationship you used to have
Anxiety about whether you’re doing everything right
Guilt for not feeling happier during what’s “supposed to be” the best time of your life

These feelings are normal responses to extraordinary stress and change. Naming them specifically—rather than just saying “I’m unhappy”—helps you and your spouse understand what’s actually happening.

The Communication Patterns That Break Down

Start by talking about your feelings honestly. Tell your spouse when you’re struggling, and ask them to share their own difficulties too. But here’s what often happens: communication breaks down in predictable patterns during this time.

The pursuit-withdraw cycle intensifies. One partner (often the mother) needs to talk about feelings and process the stress. The other partner (often the father) withdraws, either by offering solutions instead of listening or by escaping into work or their phone. Both partners feel misunderstood.

Score-keeping replaces teamwork. “I got up with the baby three times last night, but you only got up once.” “I changed the last five diapers.” When you’re exhausted, it’s hard not to track who’s doing what. But keeping score breeds resentment instead of connection.

Assumptions replace questions. “You don’t care about how hard this is for me.” “You think your job is more important than mine.” When you assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling, you stop actually listening to them.

Research on mindfulness shows that when new parents pay attention to the present moment and their partner’s feelings, they report less stress and higher relationship satisfaction. This means:

Pausing before assuming your partner’s intentions
Asking “What do you need right now?” instead of guessing
Listening to understand, not to defend yourself

The most common mistake we see is couples waiting until they’re in crisis before addressing relationship problems. New parent stress is predictable—you can prepare for it by talking about expectations, discussing how you’ll divide responsibilities, and identifying your support network before resentment builds.

Accept That You Both Need Different Things

Many people struggle to ask for help, but accepting support from friends, family, and community resources reduces parenting stress and protects your mental health. Studies show that social support acts as a buffer against psychological distress for couples becoming parents.

But here’s the thing: you and your partner probably need different kinds of support. One of you might need time alone to recharge. The other might need social connection. One needs someone to watch the baby so they can sleep. The other needs adult conversation. Neither is wrong—they’re just different.

Understanding these differences prevents the trap of “I gave you what I needed, so why aren’t you grateful?” Give your partner what they actually need, not what you think they should need.

When Resentment Has Already Built

If you’re past the prevention stage and already dealing with significant resentment or conflict, you’re not alone. Most couples experience some level of relationship distress during this transition. The question is whether you address it now or let it calcify into a pattern.

Resentment usually signals an unspoken expectation that wasn’t met. Maybe you expected your partner to anticipate your needs. Maybe you expected equal division of labor but reality looks different. Maybe you expected to maintain your pre-baby dynamic and feel betrayed that everything changed.

Talking about these expectations—what you hoped for versus what’s actually happening—can feel vulnerable. But it’s necessary. You can’t resolve resentment without naming what you feel resentful about.

Create Small Moments Together

You don’t need hours to reconnect with your spouse. Even brief moments of intentional connection matter. Research on relationship maintenance shows that couples who maintain frequent small positive interactions—what researchers call building an “emotional bank account”—are better able to weather conflict and stress.

Say kind things to each other. Thank your partner for specific actions. Spend time sitting together while the baby naps, even if you’re both too tired to talk much. Physical touch—holding hands, a hug, sitting close on the couch—can help maintain your emotional connection when romance feels impossible.

But also be honest about what you’re actually feeling. You don’t always need to be positive. Sometimes the most connecting thing you can say is: “This is so much harder than I expected. Are you struggling too?”

Ready to get started?

What is the 7 7 7 rule for marriage?

The 7 7 7 rule suggests spending time together as a couple regularly: every 7 days go on a date, every 7 weeks take an overnight trip, and every 7 months go on a longer vacation together. While this rule provides a helpful framework for prioritizing your relationship, it may feel laughably unrealistic for families with newborns.

Adjust the concept to fit your current life. Maybe “every 7 days” means a 20-minute walk around the neighborhood together while a relative watches the baby. “Every 7 weeks” might mean a few hours out for coffee or a meal while you arrange childcare.

The spirit of the rule—making intentional time for your relationship—matters more than following it rigidly. Most marriages benefit from intentional relationship maintenance, but first-time parents need to give themselves permission to modify expectations. The goal is connection, not perfection.

Planning ahead for these moments helps them actually happen. Put a date on the calendar, arrange childcare in advance (daycare centers in DC often have long waitlists, so plan early), and treat it as seriously as any other important appointment.

What is the 3-3-3 rule for newborns?

The 3-3-3 rule suggests that babies need about 3 months to adjust to the outside world, parents need about 3 months to find their rhythm, and by 6 months, families typically feel more settled. This timeline provides hope during the hardest weeks—reminding you that the intense difficulty is temporary.

The first three months are often called the “fourth trimester” because your baby is still adjusting to life outside the womb. During this time, babies need constant care, feeding every few hours through the night, and lots of physical comfort. Establishing a simple and soothing routine can provide stability for both new parents and their baby.

By three months, most babies begin sleeping for longer stretches at night, which dramatically improves everyone’s emotions and ability to cope. Sleep deprivation affects emotional regulation, making it harder to manage stress, control impulses, and respond to your partner with patience. When you start getting more sleep, you’ll likely notice you’re less reactive and more emotionally available to each other.

By six months, many families report feeling like they’ve found their footing—routines are more predictable, and you’ve learned what works for your child and your relationship.

Understanding this timeline won’t eliminate stress, but it can help you accept that the present difficulties won’t last forever. You’re in a season, not a permanent state.

We frequently tell couples to think in three-month increments during the first year. The challenges at two months won’t be the same at five months. This perspective helps parents forgive themselves and each other when things aren’t perfect. You’re learning as you go.

What do you say for new parents?

Acknowledge both the joy and the difficulty they’re experiencing, offer specific practical help rather than generic advice, and remind them they’re doing better than they think. Here are supportive things to say:

“It’s okay if you’re struggling. This is really hard, and you’re both doing your best.”
“Can I bring you a meal this week? Or watch the baby so you can both rest?”
“Your baby is lucky to have parents who care so much, even when you’re exhausted.”
“What can I do to help make your life easier right now?”

Avoid phrases that minimize their experience, like “Cherish every moment” or “It goes by so fast.” While well-intentioned, these comments can make parents feel guilty for not enjoying every sleep-deprived, stressful moment. New parents need validation and concrete support more than they need advice about appreciating the present.

What couples therapy addresses during this transition

Many couples wonder whether they should seek therapy for new parent stress or just “power through” until things get easier. Here’s what we see in our practice: the couples who address patterns early prevent years of accumulated resentment.

Couples therapy for new parents typically focuses on:

Rebuilding partnership while learning co-parenting. You’re not just managing stress—you’re learning to be parents together while maintaining your identity as partners. These are different skills, and most people need help balancing them.
Understanding how your attachment patterns show up under stress. The anxious partner becomes more controlling. The avoidant partner withdraws further. Your early attachment experiences shape how you respond when you’re overwhelmed, and recognizing these patterns helps you interrupt them.
Processing grief and identity shifts. You’re allowed to miss your old life while loving your baby. Therapy provides space to acknowledge the losses alongside the gains.
Developing fair division of labor. This isn’t just about splitting tasks 50/50—it’s about each partner feeling the division is fair based on your specific circumstances. A family therapist can help you talk through what “fair” means for your family.
Improving communication patterns. Learning to speak up about needs before they become resentments. Learning to listen without defensiveness. These skills serve your marriage long after the newborn stage passes.

Research shows that couples who participate in relationship education programs develop better communication skills and experience less parenting stress. These programs teach conflict resolution, emotional regulation, and teamwork strategies that make a real difference for struggling families.

When to Seek Professional Help

If stress feels overwhelming, or if either parent is experiencing ongoing sadness, anxiety, or anger that interferes with daily life, reach out to a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health. Research shows that early intervention through therapy or psychoeducation programs improves outcomes for first-time mothers and their families.

Signs that couples therapy could help (or if you’re struggling after a relationship ends, here are some signs you should seek counseling):

You’re fighting about the same issues repeatedly without resolution
One or both partners feel chronically resentful
You’re more like roommates than partners
Unresolved conflict between you creates constant anxiety
You’re considering separation or questioning whether you want to stay married
One partner’s mental health symptoms (depression, anxiety) are affecting the relationship

Resources in the DC area include:

Therapy for Trauma and PTSD in Washington DC

The DC Department of Behavioral Health operates a 24/7 mental health hotline for immediate support
Strong Start DC offers free early intervention services for eligible families
Postpartum Support International provides resources for treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders
Strategies for maintaining mental health during election seasons in DC

Studies confirm that couples who communicate well and approach parenting as partners report higher relationship quality. Working with a therapist gives you tools to build this partnership intentionally rather than hoping it happens naturally.

The difficulties you’re facing are real, but they’re manageable with the right support. While relationship quality often declines through the first years after a baby arrives, couples who actively work on their relationship—through therapy, communication, and intentional connection—can protect their bond and emerge stronger.

You’re not failing if your marriage feels hard right now. You’re going through one of life’s biggest transitions, and that takes time, grace, and intentional effort from both spouses. With patience, communication, and support, you can protect your relationship while caring for your new baby.

If you’re dealing with new parent stress and its impact on your relationship, our therapists at Therapy Group of DC specialize in helping couples strengthen their marriages during major life transitions. We work with professional couples managing the complex balance of career demands, relationship needs, and new parenthood. Schedule an appointment to talk about what you’re experiencing and develop strategies that work for your family.