Coping with Grief During the Holidays: Strategies for Finding Comfort

Why grief feels heavier during the holidays

Holidays are made of memory. The same songs, the same dishes, the same people in the same rooms, year after year. When someone is missing, every one of those repeats points at the gap. The season’s focus on togetherness makes the absence harder to ignore, and the contrast between other people’s cheer and what you’re carrying can feel lonely even in a full house.

Traditions cut both ways. Lighting a candle, hanging an ornament they made, or cooking their recipe can bring comfort and pain in the same minute. You might feel pulled between wanting to honor the person and not being able to bear the reminder. On top of that sits the ordinary holiday stress of travel, money, and crowded calendars.

The feelings that come with holiday grief are not only sadness. Many people notice anxiety in the weeks before, irritability at gatherings, or anger: at relatives who carry on as usual, at the forced cheer, sometimes at the person who died. Anger in grief is more common than most people expect. Guilt shows up too, often right after a good moment, as if laughing at dinner were a betrayal.

Grief tends to rise around the dates that matter: holidays, anniversaries, birthdays. Expecting that rise can make it a little less frightening when it comes.

The first holidays after a loss, and the ones that come later

The first holiday season after a death is often the hardest, because everything is a first. The first Thanksgiving without their voice in the kitchen. The first morning no one calls. Many people find that the weeks leading up to a holiday are worse than the day itself. The dread builds, and the day turns out to be survivable, sometimes even tender.

Later holidays bring their own surprises. By the second or third year, the people around you may assume you’re past the worst, and the check-in calls slow down while the loss feels just as present. Some years are harder for reasons that have little to do with the calendar: a new baby the person would have adored, a house being sold, the first year someone else hosts. Old grief can come back fresh when life changes around it.

Deciding which traditions to keep, change, or skip

You do not have to choose between doing everything the way it was and canceling the holidays. Most people land somewhere in between, and it helps to sort traditions one at a time rather than deciding about the whole season at once. The same sorting works whatever your holidays are (religious, cultural, or the ones your family invented).

• Keep the traditions that still bring some comfort, even if they also hurt.
• Change the ones that matter but feel impossible as they were: a different house, a smaller table, takeout instead of the big meal, a morning walk in place of the evening party.
• Skip the ones you can’t face this year. Skipping is a decision for this year, not forever.
• Add something new that makes room for the person you lost.

New traditions don’t need to be grand. People plant a tree, donate to a cause the person cared about, volunteer on the day itself, or start a memory book that family and friends add to each year. Some host a small gathering just to tell stories. The point is to give the loss a place in the holiday, so it isn’t sitting unspoken in the corner.

If you share the holidays with others, expect that not everyone will sort the same way. One sibling may want every detail kept exactly as it was, while another needs to be out of town. Neither is grieving wrong. It usually goes better when those differences are talked through a few weeks ahead rather than discovered at the table.

Getting through empty-chair moments

Some moments ambush you. The chair at the table where they always sat. The dish only they knew how to make. The carving knife no one else knows how to use, or the phone call that always came on the holiday morning and doesn’t anymore. These empty-chair moments are often harder than the holiday as a whole, because they arrive without warning.

People handle the empty chair in different ways. Some set a place or leave the chair empty on purpose. Others rearrange the seating so the gap is less stark. Some light a candle, put out a photo, cook a dish the person loved, or play their favorite music. None of these is the right one. What matters is that the choice is made on purpose, ideally together, rather than everyone silently staring at the same spot.

Sharing stories works best with a little structure. A memory jar where guests write down a moment, a few minutes during the meal for a favorite story, or old photos passed around after dessert all give people permission to talk about the person without anyone having to start cold.

Joy and grief can sit side by side in the same afternoon. Enjoying a child opening a gift, or a joke the person would have loved, is part of carrying the loss, not a break from it.

Talking with family about the holidays

Other people can’t meet needs they don’t know about, and grief makes it hard to ask. It helps to say plainly, ahead of time, what you can and can’t do this year: “I’ll come for dinner but not the whole weekend,” or “I’d like us to talk about her at the table.” Declining an invitation, or changing how you take part, is a reasonable thing to ask for.

Being seen in your grief matters too. In a study of 416 bereaved adults, some German-speaking and some Chinese, people who felt their loss was recognized by those around them reported fewer symptoms of prolonged grief, the kind that stays intense and disruptive long after a death. The study measured a link, not cause and effect. It is still one more reason to let the people close to you know what you need.

When someone asks how they can help, it’s easier to answer if you’ve thought about it beforehand. A few specific requests go a long way:

• Help with shopping, wrapping, or cooking
• Coming with you to an event, or leaving with you
• A break from hosting, or a quiet room when you need one
• Sharing their own memories of the person

The same goes for friends and partners, not only relatives. If your partner’s family hosts, or your friends gather every year, a short message beforehand (“this year is hard, so I may leave early”) saves you from explaining in the moment. If there are children in the house, simple, honest words about missing the person, and a part for them in any new tradition, usually serve them better than keeping everything cheerful for their sake. Our post on family gatherings when you’re grieving goes further into the gatherings themselves.

Finding holiday grief support

You don’t have to get through this season on your own. Many hospices, faith communities, and community centers run grief support groups around the holidays, and some are open to anyone in the community. Cultural and religious communities may also hold memorial services or rituals at this time of year. Online groups can help if getting out the door feels like too much.

Talking with a therapist can help when the holidays stir up more than you can sort out with friends, or when the people closest to you are grieving too and can’t hold yours as well. Our therapists work with grief and loss, in person in Dupont Circle and by secure video across DC, Maryland, and Virginia. Approaches vary, from psychodynamic and emotion-focused therapy to CBT, and what matters most is finding someone you can talk to.

If it has been a year or more and grief still takes over most of your days, not only the holidays, it’s worth talking with someone about that. Our post on prolonged grief disorder explains what clinicians look for.

Letting the holidays be different this year

Healing during the holidays rarely looks like a good season. More often it looks like a season you got through, with a few moments that surprised you. Maybe you made it past the music at the store. Maybe you told a story about them at dinner and the room laughed. Those count.

Some people keep a private note of the moments that felt a little easier, so next year they have proof the season held more than pain. Others set one small intention for the coming year that honors the person, such as a trip they wanted to take or a cause to keep supporting. Grief changes shape over the years. The holidays may never feel the way they once did, and many people find they come to hold new meaning alongside the loss.

Last updated: October 2026

This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or mental health advice. Always consult with a qualified mental health professional for personalized guidance regarding your specific situation.